Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Me and Bailey end up in the back yard together and not on purpose

This is how me and Bailey are in the house.
That's because Bailey gets too wild and starts fights and I am the one who gets hurt.
We play the Puppy School Game when we are on our own sides of the gate, too.
So you know how me and Bailey do not like to be in the same place at the same time, because Bailey doesn't play fair and I don't like her sniffing me and we get into fights and Bailey wins because she is stronger than me and then I have to go to the doctors with boos boos? And you know how we have to be gated off from each other 32 hours a day? (Read my stuff from 2011 to learn about it.)

This week I was in the front yard with Mommy and Bailey was in the back yard. Mommy thought Daddy was outside with her. Bailey started making big barks at our pals in the back, so I made big barks too so they knew I was outside. It was a big barkfest. Mommy said we were doing her head in.

So Mommy brought me in the house through the front door, but guess what? Daddy was not outside. He had come into the house and he forgot to close the back door! So I just ran right in the front door and out the back door.

Right into the yard with barking Bailey. Mommy heard the screen door slam and ran through the house to get me but I was too fast.

You know what happens when Bailey gets wild and I don't like it. There is blood.

What happened when I peed on the pillow

I didn't do it. Whatever it is you're mad at.

So about oneteen days ago, I did a bad thing. It was a BIG Bad Thing. I peed on Mommy's pillow. On her bed.

Uh oh.

But guess what? Mommy didn't get mad. Instead she said, "Bandit, that is not like you to do a naughty thing like that. What is wrong?"

I just looked at her. What are you talking about Mommy? The Ghost Puppy did that.

The next day, Mommy called Dr. Hawkins and said, "Bandit is acting squirrelier than normal and last night he peed on my pillow. Can you make sure he is not sick?" She also tattled on me and told the doctor that I broke my leash and went to visit my pal Nico and I snarled at him when he sniffed my butt. Mommy can't keep any secrets.

So I had to go see Dr. Hawkins and she ran experiments on my potty and felt my whole body all over and then used big needles and sucked out some blood.

You should know that I have had my blood sucked out before, when I ate that cat toy and had to go to the hospital. (Remember? That is when I met Santa!) They did experiments on my blood and I got my superpower (talking to Mommy in my head).

Mostly I am pretty good when they want to suck out my blood and run experiments. But this time I did NOT like it when they poked me with needles. So I growled and snapped. But they kept poking. So I made a big stink bomb with my butt to tell everyone to GO AWAY AND STOP POKING ME. My butt bomb stunk up the whole vet office. But guess what? They stopped poking me! HAHA on them!

Dr. Hawkins said my pee might maybe have an infection and that is why I peed someplace I am not supposed to pee. So I had to take some medicine. And Dr. Hawkins said my back leg and hips were a little stiff and ouchy and that might be why I have been snappy and snarly.

Now I am all done with my medicine and I have to go pee in a dish next week and have my potty experimented on again. But I am feeling better! Back to romping and barking with my pals!

I am telling you this story because hopefully you have a mommy that doesn't get mad when you do something bad that you don't usually do and instead checks to find out what's wrong with you and never ever hits you but only loves you and takes care of you. Although Mommy says if pee on her pillow again I won't be allowed to sleep in the bed any more. Boo on that.

Love BANDIT!!!

Be my friend on Facebook And don't forget to visit Mommy's website!

Friday, June 20, 2014

Take Your Dog To Work Day - or not

"OK, Daddy, I'm ready for work at Schaller's Restaurant! What time is lunch?"

"You would like a hot dog with French fries? Yes sir, coming right up!"

Today was Take Your Dog To Work Day. Me and Bailey got ready to go to work with Daddy at Schaller's Restaurant. But he said there are "No Dogs Allowed" in the restaurant.

No, Daddy. You are wrong. You have hot dogs at your restaurant! HAHAHA!!

Love BANDIT!!!!!

Be my friend on Facebook And don't forget to visit Mommy's website!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Winter has been no fun, but our book is done!

Me and Bailey, being good for a minute but being bored all winter.

 If you have been wondering where I have been, I have been taking care of Mommy and being bored.

Mommy has been sick for about fortyleventeen weeks, with coughs and fever and then no voice and then coughs and then can't breathe and then no voice and blah blah blah. We are all sick of Mommy being sick.

Just in case you didn't know, it is no fun in the winter if you are a dog and your mommy is sick. It is BORING.

Plus, it has been like the Arctic here. We should get a polar bear for a pet because a polar bear would like living here. Even when it gets nice out, it snows again. It was nice yesterday and we are getting a snow storm tonight.

This is what our street looked like all winter.
But here is the good news: our book is done! It got done a few months ago and Mommy did a couple of book signings. I was not allowed to go so I let her sign my name. Boo on that, though. I wanted to go play with my friends.

Yay!! Mommy's book was finally published!! I helped her unpack them.

Just in case you have been crying while you are waiting for Mommy's book, you can learn all about it on her website. It will make you laugh and some of it might make you cry. It is not all about dogs, but there is dog stuff in there. It is a bunch of columns she wrote and a couple of smart things I have to say about stuff, and some of the money goes to a charity that helps people take care of their pets.

And that is what has been going on at our house all winter. I am going to go outside and bark for a while and then take another nap.

Love BANDIT!!!!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Ghost Puppy Strikes Again

Just in case you didn't know, we have a ghost puppy who lives in our house. He does a lot of bad stuff, like chewing up papers and books and rugs, emptying Mommy's piggy banks and putting pennies all over the house, eating food off the counters, ripping all of Mommy's socks and other bad stuff.

He's a really bad puppy.

Yesterday, he chewed up Mommy's potholders. He's pretty fast but Mommy got a picture of his ghosty self. She says he looks a lot like me. I think she is crazy. He looks a lot like a panda bear, so maybe he is not a ghost puppy at all. Maybe he is a ghost panda bear.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Saturday, September 14, 2013

We're publishing a book!

"Chapter One, finished!"
Guess what? Mommy signed something called a contract for her to write a book! A book that will be for sale!

HAHAHAHA!! We're going to be famous!!

The book is a bunch of her columns and essays and other boring stuff. But I get to have some of my stuff in there, too! They are going to use my Christmas story and my Halloween story and some other stuff.

You should know that some of it is funny and some of it will make you cry, especially the part Mommy just wrote about Scout. So make sure you have your tissues and your bottle of wine handy!

It is going to be published by Wordcrafts Publishing, which is owned by Mike and Paula Parker, who are very smart and very talented. You should definitely go visit their website.

I am helping Mommy write, and I am writing, and Bailey is being our editor. She is one tough editor. She made us stay up late last night working.

So you can learn more about our exciting news, make sure that you follow Mommy's blog at www.JoanneBrokaw.com or be my friend on Facebook!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Ideas for my book, "Why I Bark", by Bandit!!!!! and his Mommy

So you know that me and Mommy have been working on a book together. We are not very good writing partners. So far we do not have any chapters written. But we have a title! It will be called .....

and other things your dog would tell you
if he thought you would listen to him

by BANDIT!!!
and his Mommy

I think it is a super duper title. That is because I thought it up. It will be a book about stuff your dog wants you to know but you are either not listening or are not trying to learn how to speak doglish or you have your stupid cell phone stuck to your head. It's going to be a great book. I think it should also have a lot of pictures of handsome me. But Mommy says she can't decide if she should be the writer or I should be the writer. She keeps blahblahblahing something about "voice". I don't know what she is talking about. Too much talking, Mommy, not enough writing!

 I told Mommy these are some of the chapters we should have in our book:

You Stink (and I like it) - this will be about how dogs use their super sniffers to learn everything about everyone and every place. Who needs GPS if you have a dog's nose? It is very interesting. I might even tell you why Bailey likes to roll in poop. But I will definitely tell you why dogs sniff butts
I Can Hear You (I'm Just Ignoring You) - do you want to know why your dog is ignoring you when you say "sit"? We're not deaf, you know. We heard you say "sit" the first fortyleventeen times you said it. We're just waiting till we're ready to sit ... or you bring out the big treats ... or we figure out what "sit" means.

I'm A Dog, Not A Christmas Present - did you know that people give dogs to other people as presents? That is crazy! What if your didn't want to be a present? What happens when the dog starts peeing and pooping in the house and chewing up your stuff and making big barks all day because he is B-O-R-E-D? It's off to the shelter. Uh oh. That is not good for the dog. I am going to tell you how to know when you are ready to get a dog and how to pick out your dog and bring him home. I am an expert on this because I picked out the best home in the world. But I can teach you how to be second best!

Your Shoes Taste Good - do you want to know how to make us not chew your shoes? Here is a secret clue: put your shoes in the closet and close the door! The end.

This Is Why I Bark: You're Boring - no, really. You're very boring. Hahaha! I'm just kidding. Not really. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Stop Staring At Me - do you know what it means when you stare at your dog in his eyeballs? We don't like it! So stop it! Stop it right now! And guess what? Dogs don't like to be hugged, either. And we definitely don't like to wear dresses or bows or perfume. I'll tell you lots of other stuff we don't like.

It Doesn't Matter Where You Came From, It Just Matters Who You Are - I came from Kim's house, where she made special care to have healthy puppies and give me lots of loves and snuggles and send me off to a special home she picked out just for me. My sister Bailey got dumped at the shelter in a plastic box when she was too little to even be away from her mommy and she was about to get the you-know-what to take a deep forever sleep. So Mommy brought her home. Guess what? We are both great dogs! We are both brilliant! We are both awesome snugglers! Even though we both have been naughty sometimes and we make Mommy crazy. Mommy says it doesn't matter how bad we used to be, just how great we are today. Me and Mommy want you to know that there are no bad dogs but there are a lot of lonely dogs and sad dogs and dogs with no one to teach them what to do and dogs who are cold and scared and not in warm snuggly beds at night and dogs people don't like just because of the way they look. This is an important chapter. I might write it twice just to be sure you read it.

Just Because We Eat Poop Doesn't Mean We Should - Mommy is very careful about what kind of dog food me and Bailey eat. Us dogs don't care what kind of food we eat. We eat poop and cat food and leaves and rocks and leftover pieces of hot dog that we find under the car seats. But Mommy says us dogs don't always know what's good for us and people don't pay attention to the kind of food they feed their dogs. So she wants to write a chapter about how people can make sure they feed their dogs good stuff so they grow up healthy and strong and live a long time.

All Dogs Go To God's Farm In The Sky - Mommy wants to write about what happens to dogs when they are finished being earth dogs and become angel dogs. I think it is because she still has big crying days over Scout and is trying to make herself feel better. I will have to help her with this one.

This Is Why I Bit The Mailman - Ta da! I already wrote this chapter. Here it is:
I was barking at the mailman when he reached over my head to hand Mommy the mail. He put his arm in my barking mouth. When I chomped down, his arm was still in my mouth. Chomp, chomp, chomp. That is why I bit the mailman.
Mommy says that is not enough for a whole chapter. She says we need to talk more about why dogs bite people and how if people were more careful they would get bit less often. Well, if she doesn't like what I wrote she is going to have to write more herself. Which is probably why we have not written our book yet. Mommy is not doing her part of the work. Oh, and just so you know I did not have to go to jail when I bit the mailman. Neither did Mommy. Although that would make a good story, wouldn't it? Me and Mommy in jail?

Anyway, those are some of my ideas. Mommy says I need to get my dog friends to tell her what they would say to their mommies and daddies so she has enough ideas. So if you have something you want to tell your people, let me know! You can be my friend on FACEBOOK and tell me stuff and see my funny pictures or you can write to me in the comments. And if you have a question for your dog, let me know. It'll be like Dear Abby, except for dogs.

Dear Bandit,
Why does my dog chase the cat?
Love Miss Kitty

Dear Miss Kitty,
Your dog chases the cat because he is BORED! And the cat runs and we like to chase stuff.
Love Bandit

Mommy says that if we can write this we will just publish the book ourselves and she will feel like she has finished something for once, doggone it, even if no one buys it.

Okey dokey, Mommy! I'm ready!