WHY I BARK
and other things your dog would tell you
if he thought you would listen to him
by BANDIT!!!
and his Mommy
I think it is a super duper title. That is because I thought it up. It will be a book about stuff your dog wants you to know but you are either not listening or are not trying to learn how to speak doglish or you have your stupid cell phone stuck to your head. It's going to be a great book. I think it should also have a lot of pictures of handsome me. But Mommy says she can't decide if she should be the writer or I should be the writer. She keeps blahblahblahing something about "voice". I don't know what she is talking about. Too much talking, Mommy, not enough writing!
I told Mommy these are some of the chapters we should have in our book:
You Stink (and I like it) - this will be about how dogs use their super sniffers to learn everything about everyone and every place. Who needs GPS if you have a dog's nose? It is very interesting. I might even tell you why Bailey likes to roll in poop. But I will definitely tell you why dogs sniff butts
.
I Can Hear You (I'm Just Ignoring You) - do you want to know why your dog is ignoring you when you say "sit"? We're not deaf, you know. We heard you say "sit" the first fortyleventeen times you said it. We're just waiting till we're ready to sit ... or you bring out the big treats ... or we figure out what "sit" means.
I'm A Dog, Not A Christmas Present - did you know that people give dogs to other people as presents? That is crazy! What if your didn't want to be a present? What happens when the dog starts peeing and pooping in the house and chewing up your stuff and making big barks all day because he is B-O-R-E-D? It's off to the shelter. Uh oh. That is not good for the dog. I am going to tell you how to know when you are ready to get a dog and how to pick out your dog and bring him home. I am an expert on this because I picked out the best home in the world. But I can teach you how to be second best!
Your Shoes Taste Good - do you want to know how to make us not chew your shoes? Here is a secret clue: put your shoes in the closet and close the door! The end.
This Is Why I Bark: You're Boring - no, really. You're very boring. Hahaha! I'm just kidding. Not really. B-O-R-I-N-G.
Stop Staring At Me - do you know what it means when you stare at your dog in his eyeballs? We don't like it! So stop it! Stop it right now! And guess what? Dogs don't like to be hugged, either. And we definitely don't like to wear dresses or bows or perfume. I'll tell you lots of other stuff we don't like.
It Doesn't Matter Where You Came From, It Just Matters Who You Are - I came from Kim's house, where she made special care to have healthy puppies and give me lots of loves and snuggles and send me off to a special home she picked out just for me. My sister Bailey got dumped at the shelter in a plastic box when she was too little to even be away from her mommy and she was about to get the you-know-what to take a deep forever sleep. So Mommy brought her home. Guess what? We are both great dogs! We are both brilliant! We are both awesome snugglers! Even though we both have been naughty sometimes and we make Mommy crazy. Mommy says it doesn't matter how bad we used to be, just how great we are today. Me and Mommy want you to know that there are no bad dogs but there are a lot of lonely dogs and sad dogs and dogs with no one to teach them what to do and dogs who are cold and scared and not in warm snuggly beds at night and dogs people don't like just because of the way they look. This is an important chapter. I might write it twice just to be sure you read it.
Just Because We Eat Poop Doesn't Mean We Should - Mommy is very careful about what kind of dog food me and Bailey eat. Us dogs don't care what kind of food we eat. We eat poop and cat food and leaves and rocks and leftover pieces of hot dog that we find under the car seats. But Mommy says us dogs don't always know what's good for us and people don't pay attention to the kind of food they feed their dogs. So she wants to write a chapter about how people can make sure they feed their dogs good stuff so they grow up healthy and strong and live a long time.
All Dogs Go To God's Farm In The Sky - Mommy wants to write about what happens to dogs when they are finished being earth dogs and become angel dogs. I think it is because she still has big crying days over Scout and is trying to make herself feel better. I will have to help her with this one.
This Is Why I Bit The Mailman - Ta da! I already wrote this chapter. Here it is:
I was barking at the mailman when he reached over my head to hand Mommy the mail. He put his arm in my barking mouth. When I chomped down, his arm was still in my mouth. Chomp, chomp, chomp. That is why I bit the mailman.Mommy says that is not enough for a whole chapter. She says we need to talk more about why dogs bite people and how if people were more careful they would get bit less often. Well, if she doesn't like what I wrote she is going to have to write more herself. Which is probably why we have not written our book yet. Mommy is not doing her part of the work. Oh, and just so you know I did not have to go to jail when I bit the mailman. Neither did Mommy. Although that would make a good story, wouldn't it? Me and Mommy in jail?
Anyway, those are some of my ideas. Mommy says I need to get my dog friends to tell her what they would say to their mommies and daddies so she has enough ideas. So if you have something you want to tell your people, let me know! You can be my friend on FACEBOOK and tell me stuff and see my funny pictures or you can write to me in the comments. And if you have a question for your dog, let me know. It'll be like Dear Abby, except for dogs.
Dear Bandit,
Why does my dog chase the cat?
Love Miss Kitty
Dear Miss Kitty,
Your dog chases the cat because he is BORED! And the cat runs and we like to chase stuff.
Love Bandit
Mommy says that if we can write this we will just publish the book ourselves and she will feel like she has finished something for once, doggone it, even if no one buys it.
Okey dokey, Mommy! I'm ready!
LOVE BANDIT!!!!!!!
