Saturday, September 14, 2013

We're publishing a book!

"Chapter One, finished!"
Guess what? Mommy signed something called a contract for her to write a book! A book that will be for sale!

HAHAHAHA!! We're going to be famous!!

The book is a bunch of her columns and essays and other boring stuff. But I get to have some of my stuff in there, too! They are going to use my Christmas story and my Halloween story and some other stuff.

You should know that some of it is funny and some of it will make you cry, especially the part Mommy just wrote about Scout. So make sure you have your tissues and your bottle of wine handy!

It is going to be published by Wordcrafts Publishing, which is owned by Mike and Paula Parker, who are very smart and very talented. You should definitely go visit their website.

I am helping Mommy write, and I am writing, and Bailey is being our editor. She is one tough editor. She made us stay up late last night working.

So you can learn more about our exciting news, make sure that you follow Mommy's blog at or be my friend on Facebook!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Ideas for my book, "Why I Bark", by Bandit!!!!! and his Mommy

So you know that me and Mommy have been working on a book together. We are not very good writing partners. So far we do not have any chapters written. But we have a title! It will be called .....

and other things your dog would tell you
if he thought you would listen to him

by BANDIT!!!
and his Mommy

I think it is a super duper title. That is because I thought it up. It will be a book about stuff your dog wants you to know but you are either not listening or are not trying to learn how to speak doglish or you have your stupid cell phone stuck to your head. It's going to be a great book. I think it should also have a lot of pictures of handsome me. But Mommy says she can't decide if she should be the writer or I should be the writer. She keeps blahblahblahing something about "voice". I don't know what she is talking about. Too much talking, Mommy, not enough writing!

 I told Mommy these are some of the chapters we should have in our book:

You Stink (and I like it) - this will be about how dogs use their super sniffers to learn everything about everyone and every place. Who needs GPS if you have a dog's nose? It is very interesting. I might even tell you why Bailey likes to roll in poop. But I will definitely tell you why dogs sniff butts
I Can Hear You (I'm Just Ignoring You) - do you want to know why your dog is ignoring you when you say "sit"? We're not deaf, you know. We heard you say "sit" the first fortyleventeen times you said it. We're just waiting till we're ready to sit ... or you bring out the big treats ... or we figure out what "sit" means.

I'm A Dog, Not A Christmas Present - did you know that people give dogs to other people as presents? That is crazy! What if your didn't want to be a present? What happens when the dog starts peeing and pooping in the house and chewing up your stuff and making big barks all day because he is B-O-R-E-D? It's off to the shelter. Uh oh. That is not good for the dog. I am going to tell you how to know when you are ready to get a dog and how to pick out your dog and bring him home. I am an expert on this because I picked out the best home in the world. But I can teach you how to be second best!

Your Shoes Taste Good - do you want to know how to make us not chew your shoes? Here is a secret clue: put your shoes in the closet and close the door! The end.

This Is Why I Bark: You're Boring - no, really. You're very boring. Hahaha! I'm just kidding. Not really. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Stop Staring At Me - do you know what it means when you stare at your dog in his eyeballs? We don't like it! So stop it! Stop it right now! And guess what? Dogs don't like to be hugged, either. And we definitely don't like to wear dresses or bows or perfume. I'll tell you lots of other stuff we don't like.

It Doesn't Matter Where You Came From, It Just Matters Who You Are - I came from Kim's house, where she made special care to have healthy puppies and give me lots of loves and snuggles and send me off to a special home she picked out just for me. My sister Bailey got dumped at the shelter in a plastic box when she was too little to even be away from her mommy and she was about to get the you-know-what to take a deep forever sleep. So Mommy brought her home. Guess what? We are both great dogs! We are both brilliant! We are both awesome snugglers! Even though we both have been naughty sometimes and we make Mommy crazy. Mommy says it doesn't matter how bad we used to be, just how great we are today. Me and Mommy want you to know that there are no bad dogs but there are a lot of lonely dogs and sad dogs and dogs with no one to teach them what to do and dogs who are cold and scared and not in warm snuggly beds at night and dogs people don't like just because of the way they look. This is an important chapter. I might write it twice just to be sure you read it.

Just Because We Eat Poop Doesn't Mean We Should - Mommy is very careful about what kind of dog food me and Bailey eat. Us dogs don't care what kind of food we eat. We eat poop and cat food and leaves and rocks and leftover pieces of hot dog that we find under the car seats. But Mommy says us dogs don't always know what's good for us and people don't pay attention to the kind of food they feed their dogs. So she wants to write a chapter about how people can make sure they feed their dogs good stuff so they grow up healthy and strong and live a long time.

All Dogs Go To God's Farm In The Sky - Mommy wants to write about what happens to dogs when they are finished being earth dogs and become angel dogs. I think it is because she still has big crying days over Scout and is trying to make herself feel better. I will have to help her with this one.

This Is Why I Bit The Mailman - Ta da! I already wrote this chapter. Here it is:
I was barking at the mailman when he reached over my head to hand Mommy the mail. He put his arm in my barking mouth. When I chomped down, his arm was still in my mouth. Chomp, chomp, chomp. That is why I bit the mailman.
Mommy says that is not enough for a whole chapter. She says we need to talk more about why dogs bite people and how if people were more careful they would get bit less often. Well, if she doesn't like what I wrote she is going to have to write more herself. Which is probably why we have not written our book yet. Mommy is not doing her part of the work. Oh, and just so you know I did not have to go to jail when I bit the mailman. Neither did Mommy. Although that would make a good story, wouldn't it? Me and Mommy in jail?

Anyway, those are some of my ideas. Mommy says I need to get my dog friends to tell her what they would say to their mommies and daddies so she has enough ideas. So if you have something you want to tell your people, let me know! You can be my friend on FACEBOOK and tell me stuff and see my funny pictures or you can write to me in the comments. And if you have a question for your dog, let me know. It'll be like Dear Abby, except for dogs.

Dear Bandit,
Why does my dog chase the cat?
Love Miss Kitty

Dear Miss Kitty,
Your dog chases the cat because he is BORED! And the cat runs and we like to chase stuff.
Love Bandit

Mommy says that if we can write this we will just publish the book ourselves and she will feel like she has finished something for once, doggone it, even if no one buys it.

Okey dokey, Mommy! I'm ready!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Emtpy Peanut Butter Jar Day (pictures)

Me and Bailey got a special treat this week. We got to lick empty peanut butter jars! Mommy has been saving them in the cupboard until she had one for each of us.

I took my peanut butter jar to Mommy's bed,
which is where I hide all of my special stuff.

Bailey has a pretty long tongue but it's not long
enough to get all of the peanut butter out of the jar!

When Bailey decided to try and tear the jar apart,
Mommy said our treat time was over. Boo on that.

We need longer tongues or smaller jars because we couldn't get all of the peanut butter out. When Bailey tried to rip the jar apart Mommy said we were done with our treat.

My friend Luna Belle says her mommy gives her nut butter jars, too, but she gets glass jars. Me and Bailey are wild animals. We would break glass jars. Luna Belle says her jars are too tall and her tongue is too short, too.

I think Mommy is saving more jars in the cupboard. That's where she also keeps the squeaky ball we fight over. I think there is other good stuff in the cupboard.

Love BANDIT!!!

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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

No Fair To Bandit Day

Riding around in the cemetery in the rain is about as much fun
as sitting in the driveway in the car in the rain. BORING.

Today was a day called No Fair To Bandit Day.

First, Mommy said, "Hey, Bandit! Let's go for an adventure in the cemetery!" She wanted to look for a funny headstone she saw once and forgot to take a picture of. She said it would take about twoteen seconds and then we could have a romp because it was a warm day.

Except it took about twothousandteen seconds and she didn't find it and it started raining and raining and raining and we couldn't go for a walk. So I rode around in the car and got bored out of my whiskers and didn't get to walk for one inch or pee on one single tree.

Boo on that.

Then later when the rain stopped Mommy said, "Let's try walks again! Bailey gets to go first because she didn't get a car ride." Haha, like riding in the car is a big prize. Not much, Mommy.

So Bailey and Mommy went to the other cemetery and did a walk and came home. Then me and Mommy got in the car and drove to the cemetery.

And guess what? It started raining again!

Mommy said, "Oh, it's only sprinkling a few sprinkles so let's walk." Except we walked and walked and it sprinkled more sprinkles until it was making giant raindrops on our heads and we were wet through our fur and coats.
This is what it looks like when your Mommy makes you walk in the rain. Boo on that, Mommy.

It was not a fun walk.

So I had to ride around in the boring car and take a walk in the big rain. It was not a fair day to be me.

But then I got invited to a wedding for my friend Dexter! He is marrying his girlfriend. Dexter is a dog. So is his girlfriend.She does not have cooties. I will tell you about that fun wedding on another day.


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Friday, January 4, 2013

Me and Bailey get squeaky ducks!

Mommy says maybe my friends miss my blog posts. If you are not on Facebook you miss all my funny pictures. Boo on that. You should be my friend on Facebook!!

OK, so guess what happened today? Mommy went to the store to get stuff and she brought me and Bailey home stuffed squeaky ducks!! Thanks Mommy!!

Here are pictures of us with our new toys. Mommy said they cost about eleventy two dollars a minute of fun, since they are now dead stuffed squeaky ducks. That's OK, Mommy. Fun is lots more important than dollars!

PS You are not allowed to steal our pictures. The dog picture police will get really mad. If you love our pictures so much that you have to have one or you will cry all day, just let me know and I'll send you one!

Mommy let me pick out which stuffed duck I wanted for my own.

OK, Mommy! I pick this one!!

Bailey picked her stuffed duck. See you later, Mommy!

Bailey chewed her duck's wing.

Bailey's duck needed a wingectomy.

Then she unstuffed her duck!

Bailey is a pretty sister but she can unstuff a squeaky duck pretty fast. This is how daddy
takes pictures of dead deer. So we took a dead squeaky duck picture for him.

I took my squeaky duck upstairs. Mommy's Lambykins helped me squeak it.

Hey! I went outside to bark at my friends for a while and Lambykins
unstuffed my squeaky duck! Bad Lambykins.

Mommy, can you go get some more stuff that squeaks?


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