Monday, February 13, 2012

It's Valentine's Day and someone you love might be trying to kill you.

Valentine's Day is when people tell you they love you by
squeezing you until your tongue pops out of your mouth.

 It is time for Valentines Day, the day when people go around telling other people how much they love them or they try to get people to fall in love with them. It's all hearts and hugs and kisses and love.

But it is all a big lie. Really, those people are trying to kill you.

First, a naked baby named Cupid flies around with a bow and arrow trying to shoot people in the heart. Where I live, babies are not allowed to fly around without their mommies (or their diapers), and they are definitely not allowed to play with bows and arrows. Plus, just in case you didn’t know, if you shoot someone through the heart with an arrow they will die. And they probably won’t love you for it, either.

People also give presents for Valentines Day, like chocolate and flowers and cards with hearts on them. They may taste nice and look pretty, but if you get chocolates and flowers, watch out! You should know that if a dog eats chocolate he will get emergency poop and if he eats flowers he will also get a really bad belly ache and get sick and barf. If he eats them both, he will definitely be going to the animal hospital.

I don’t know if chocolate gives people emergency poop but I would not take a chance. And I don’t know if people eat flowers, either. But I have met some people who are not very smart so I would not be surprised if they did.

Cards are not very dangerous, but they don't taste that good and the pieces of paper get stuck in your teeth. And if you eat the envelope, the pieces with the glue will get all stuck in your fur. Which might mean you have to get a b-a-t-h. A bath means you have to get into the tub and get your whole head drowned under the shower. So the card won't kill you but the bath might.

On Valentine's day, some boy people give their favorite girlfriend people a very special present called a rock. It is a shiny glass stone you wear on your finger and it costs about eleventy million cents. Girls like to get that present. I don’t think a rock is a very good present. Although I heard about a dog last month who ate 100 rocks, so he must have a lot of girlfriends.

Bailey eats poop. Go ahead and kiss her. Blech.
 There is also a lot of hugging and kissing on Valentine’s Day. Blech. First of all, most people who hug you are really people trying to strangle you. Why else would they wrap their arms around you and keep squeezing you while you are gakking with your tongue hanging out of your mouth? Second, you can get a lot of germs by kissing. Especially if you kiss my stupid sister Bailey, because she eats poop. That is some germy love.

I would tell you more about Valentine’s Day except I am still very sad about my brother, Scout. You know that about twoteen weeks ago he got out of his dog body and got into his angel body and went to live on God’s Farm in heaven. It was very sad. I am lonely without him and Mommy has big crying days whenever she goes into her office where he liked to sleep.

Scout is an angel now in heaven. Mommy is still crying.

If you want to know about love, you should learn more about God’s Farm. In heaven, all of the dogs and cats and rabbits and birds and every other animal who ever got sick and died lives there. They are all happy and no one is in pain and they get to romp and run around and have play time all day. And at night, all of the dogs get to climb up on Jesus’ bed to snuggle, and he doesn’t even care if their muddy paws get the sheets dirty!

That is love!

I am glad that God has a special place for animals and that he made Scout feel better from his cancer. I think Scout probably likes having angel wings. Maybe he can tell Cupid to stop being naughty and to just play bubbles with God’s puppies so we can have a safe Valentine’s Day.


(c) 2012 Wonder Dog Communications all rights reserved

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Anonymous said...

Dogs become angels? How do you know that?

Bicontinental Dachshund said...

What a sweet post!
I'm so sorry you lost your brother Scout. I hope he gets to play with my fur-sisters Keisha and Daisy in God's Farm. I never got to meet them, but Mom and Dad say they were incredible doggies.