Monday, January 10, 2011

Lizards, hamsters and other gassy things

So last night I thought I was going to have some mystery barf but it turned out that I only had gas.

You should not be embarrassed about having gas! Everyone has to burp or fart sometimes.

Except hamsters. Did you know that hamsters can't burp or fart, so if their guts get all gassed up, they just explode? That will happen to people, too.

Grandma says her Aunt Martha never farted in her whole life. I'm pretty sure Aunt Martha was lying, because she couldn't have lived to be ninetyleven years old without farting at least once. Otherwise, she would have exploded. So I think she sneaked one out once in a while when no one was around.

Anyway, last night I woke Mommy up because I thought I was going to barf. I was sitting next to her leaning over her head and I was coughing and trying to throw up. She said, "Please don't throw up on my face, Bandit" and she got up and gave me a drink. Then we got back into bed and I sat next to her again and she rubbed my chest.

I like having my chest rubbed. It makes me feel very warm and fuzzy and relaxed and sleepy. And last night it made my tummy not want to throw up any more. So I sat nice and quiet and Mommy rubbed my chest nice and soft for a long time. And then all of the sudden there was a rumble in my tummy and out came a big BURRRP.

I felt a lot better after that. So Mommy kept rubbing my chest and I started to feel sleepy and then all at once my eyes closed and I just fell over. Zzzzzzzz

Mommy says that you can put a lizard into a trance by rubbing his belly like she rubs my chest. Sometimes people put lizards into trances and then they dress them up in funny clothes and take pictures of them. And the lizards are so relaxed they don't even know what is happening to them! Then they wake up later and realize that there are funny pictures of them posted on Facebook and there's nothing they can do about it.

Scout says that someday when Mommy rubs my chest and I get all tranced out, he and Murphy will dress me up in high heels and pearls and take pictures of me and put them on the internet.

I would really rather not have that happen to me. But last night I only had two choices. I could let Mommy rub my chest and get tranced and make a big burp come out but maybe have Scout and Murphy dress me up and take my picture. Or I could keep the burp in and have my guts explode.

So if you have a choice between getting tranced out like a lizard to have some gas come out, or letting all the gas stay in and having your guts explode, you should get tranced and relaxed. It might be embarrassing to have someone take funny pictures of you dressed up like a girl and show them to the world. Or it might be embarrasing to make a big burp or fart in public. But it's better than having your guts exploding all over the place.


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