A sample from Bandit's book: Your name is not "No"

Mommy and I are working on my book and I thought you might like to read what I wrote today. Mommy hasn't done her part yet. The book will have a little part that says "Mommy Speaks" and she will write something for people in there. Mommy needs to catch up.

But here is what I wrote so far on my first chapter. It is called a ruff draft. That means that it will get changed around a lot. I hope you like it.

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Chapter One: Your Name Is Not "No"
by Bandit

Now that you are a puppy with a people family, you are probably going to get a new name. Hopefully, you will get a good name, like Scout or Bandit or Bailey. Or even something classic like Rover or Fido.

If your new family lets their pet children pick out your name, you could be in trouble. Some dogs have gotten stuck with names like Sparkly Golden Keychain or Lola Grocery or Tree Tree. Those are definitely not good dog names. How can you defend your home if your name is Sparkly Golden Keychain? A burglar will just laugh at you while he stuffs your TV into a pillow case.

Actually, it doesn’t really matter what your official name is. Your people are going to call you lots of different names, and you are going to be expected to answer to them all.

My regular name is Bandit. But I have other names, too. Sometimes Mommy calls me Senor Fluffybutt. That is because I am a boy dog and I have a very fluffy butt. She also calls me Puppy 2. Scout is Puppy 1, and Bailey is Puppy 3. When we are coming into the house, sometimes she will have us count off as we come in. Puppy 1! Puppy 2! Puppy 3! Usually, it is just Puppy 1 and Puppy 3, because I am bad and don’t come in the house when Mommy calls. But that’s a different chapter. I also answer to Dammit Bandit.

Bailey is also Baileyrina, HereBales, and NO KITTY! Scout is pretty much just Scout. Mostly because he pays attention to Mommy all the time. But we all know our real names: Bandit, Bailey and Scout.

If your people are smart people, they will teach you your regular name first. They will call your name and whenever you look in their direction, they will give you a treat. A nice treat. Like some hot dog. Pretty soon you will know which name you are supposed to pay attention to.

This is important, especially if you live with other pets, like dogs or cats or children. If your Mommy says, “Susie, get in the car” and you come running, you will be very disappointed when you get to the front door and find out that your name is not Susie and you are not getting in the car.

But if your Mommy says, “Bandit, come!” and you know that Bandit is your name, you will also know that you should stop whatever you are doing and run to your Mommy, because she called your name and probably has a big surprise waiting for you.

I don’t know why people use so many names. Us dogs just use smells. Our front ends tell our first name, and our butts tell our last name. We just sniff each other all over and we know all we need to know about each other. I will tell you all about dog smells in another chapter.

When you are a puppy, you are mostly going to hear the name No. No Rover! No kitty Rover! No shoes Rover! NOOOOOO ROVER!!!

Just so you know, No is not your name. That is your Mommy’s way of telling you to stop what you are doing right now. That is one example of how people do not speak Dog. They use a lot of words that don’t really mean what they want to say, and you are going to have to learn to speak People because most people do not learn to speak Dog.

I will warn you that learning how to speak People is not going to be easy.


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