Sunday, May 2, 2010

Bandit explains Aunt Jackie's lumpy blood and why you shouldn't lick kittens

Aunt Jackie is in the hospital because she has lumpy blood in her arm.

Lumpy blood in your arm means that your blood clogs up in your arm and starts to back up and if you don't go to the Lumpy Blood Doctor right away the blood will keep backing up until it explodes and your arm guts fly all over the place.

Which is not good. Because if your arm explodes you'll only have one hand left, which would make it hard to eat corn on the cob.

So the doctor took out all of Aunt Jackie's blood and did experiments on it (and probably gave her a super power, but don't tell anyone). Then they used a spaghetti strainer to take out the lumps and then they put all the blood back into her body.

Aunt Jackie has to stay in the hospital until the doctors are sure her blood won't lump again.  Uncle Eric feels bad for her, maybe bad enough to buy her a baby carriage for her puppy Goliath. But probably not.

It's not fun in the hospital. They didn't make Aunt Jackie wear a lampshade on her head, like I had to wear when I was in the hospital. But they keep sticking her with needles and poking her to see where it hurts and making her eat yucky food.

And the lady across the hall has been barfing for two days. Aunt Jackie said she sounds like she licked a bunch of kittens and is trying to barf up a hairball.

Just in case you didn't know, you should never lick kittens. First, they will definitely give you hairballs. But they also are just yucky. They lick their whole selves to get clean, instead of getting into the tub and having their mommies soap them and drown them and brush them bald. Blech. Who wants to kiss a kitten that's licked his whole self?

I bet that lady in the hospital has to have a cat scan to make sure she doesn't have a kitten stuck in her guts.

Anyway, hurry up and get better, Aunt Jackie! We love you!


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